Folks – my first blog for you Who am I ? I am a random somebody, who is going to publish my first book ” Memoirs of a Sarcastic Fool” within the next 12 months. I wish to pursue my hobby of writing into a professional passion in the long run. Other interests include travel, fitness, tech, movies, sports. Basis my wife’s advice. I think I have finally found purpose in life.. which is to inspire people around me.. might sound a bit gassy ( I am an MBA and MBAs are known to gas a lot; so i am no different) but it took me 31 years to truly find and define my true purpose of existence ,which is to INSPIRE people and hence the title of my website -Inspirational Indian Hari and the profile photo is one of my most favourite Inspirational Indian- Swami Vivekananda…. I have decided to blog so that it helps me fine-tune my writing skills. So its purely a selfish reason. Therefore, here goes my first blog on Friday,the 18th of January 2019. Ok Hari stop… Enough of a plain and drab boring introduction. Do the things you are good at. Making fun of yourself and bringing a smile on others faces. Sarcastic fun…
So here you go folks. This blog is dedicated to all those vella people who have had the time to read my blog patiently so far and still its worth spending a few precious minutes of their precious life and are vella enough to continue to read this in the end. Please don’t stop after having read this far. Go on till the end and please give me constructive feedback on what you feel.
The topic for my first blog can be termed weird, interesting, foolish, sarcastic, innovative, off-beat, silly, random, queer ( hope the meaning of queer is weird.. had learnt this word by rote in school days but never used it).. Its titled ” The 30 minute bath”
What does it mean ? It means that I take minimum 30 minutes to take bath daily. Yes you are right. Dont jump out reading this. It’s true. You can ask my wife, parents, in laws, whoever has seen going into the bathroom. I am a 31 year old male who has short hair unlike a Kareena Kapoor or a Deepika Padukone. Despite this , it takes 30 minutes for me at bare minimum to take bath. Let me tell you how and why.
Today, Friday the 18th of Jan 2019, i went inside the bathroom at “sharp” 2 pm IST . I have seen lot of people using the word, be there at 2 pm sharp. I dont know why the adjective sharp is used. If you dont use the word sharp, will it mean different ? Why cant it be – be there at 2 pm blunt?? Anyways, I am trying to drift from the topic let me come back as to why I take 30 minutes.
To give a background, I work with a beauty company and we sell premium shampoos to consumers. I was having a dandruff issue before I joined this organization. So I am using an anti dandruff shampoo for the last 1 year. I have been instructed to apply this shampoo and leave it for 5 minutes and then rinse my hair. This is step 1.
Before step 1, there is an important step – step 0. Whats it ? Having a playlist on my mobile through Amazon Music and keeping my phone inside the bathroom. The music plays in full volume. Most of the time, its a Bollywood Party Hits playlist playing . Some times, it is Top Bollywood. Sometimes it is Daler Mehndi lists. Kabhi SRK hits, kabhi Anu Malik hits. I listen to chartbusters in full volume. Crazy dude right ? Even I feel so. Let me tell you why. The bathroom is one place I feel that I am completely by myself without any distraction. Nobody can take me away from here, no office calls, no escalations, no giving water to my wife, no jhaadoo poncha, no timeline pressure, no sales pressure, no friends, no enemies, no kids, no adults, Main aur sirf main.. I can do whatever I want without being judged. I feel like I am the King of the Jungle. My friend Manan Agarwal, whom we all call Mama, must be immediately thinking about some other place being referred to as the Jungle. I mean I feel like a Lion inside the bathroom listening to Bollywood chartbusters. Nobody judging me, nobody asking me ” aisa kyuun kiya, waisa kyuun nahin kiya, ab kya hoga, fir kya karega, why,what, how, this, that …brrr.. brrr… brr brr brr…
So i dance like crazy in the bathroom while applying my favourite “Mysore Sandal Soap”. I am very particular about this soap brand as I feel this is my soulmate since birth. Only my parents and my wife come close to Mysore Sandal in terms of my favourite companion. So I rub my Mysore Sandal Soap all over my body, dance along, hum along, shake my zooty ( deliberately changed it to a similar rhyming word so that I am not using foul language in my first blog) and go on and on. I repeat this till 2 songs are done. I realize that assuming 3 minutes are gone in a song, 6 minutes have passed by. I then wash my hair. The songs continue to buzz. Even while washing my hair, I pull off a few amazing dance moves which Shakira, MJ, HRX will be proud of . I feel like no body can come close to me and I am on top of the world. I wash my hair. Another 2 songs get done. I have now exhausted a bucket of water already. 4 songs done and 12 minutes gone. Now, I change track. Its interval time.
The hero in phase 1 – my anti dandruff shampoo is killed in the interval. He’s placed back on the shampoo holder. Then comes hero no.2 , my favorite – Mr. Conditioner. The conditioner I use is super smooth. It has an amazing fragrance like smell to it. Its Sebastian Penetrait. The first I used it, it was Love at first sight or rather Rinse at first sight. As I work in the same parent company, I get it at a small employee discount. The people around me think I own the company and think I get this at 50% discount. Our company would close down if it offers its products at 50% discount always to everyone. Anyways thats beside the point. So I admire myself in the mirror when I apply the conditioner. I think I am some top supermodel who has won Mr. India , Mr World. So this routine of applying the conditioner, continues for 5 minutes. I like lacing through my hair. One more song exhausted. Couple of more Shakira moves done. This multitasking comes naturally to me. 15 minutes done.
I have been told that having applied the conditioner, you need to allow it to dry for 5 to 10 minutes and then wash it off. So having applied the conditioner, I need to kill 5 to 10 minutes now. What do I do now ? I cant dance with my body not wet. So I have figured out a smart logical way to break down my entire bathing process.
Till the interval, thats till the time Hero 1 of the movie, Mr. Shampoo is being used, I only use my upper half of the body above my hips. Below the hips including the feet is reserved post interval, which is when hero 2 of the movie, mr. conditioner has arrived. And boy oh boy My Hips Don’t Lie… A few more chartbusters like Kaali Kaali Ankhen, Proper Patola, Akh Lad Jaave by badshah go down. Its 20 minutes now. 6 to 7 songs down.
Then having finished washing my lower half of the body, I go back to wash my hair . I feel bad that my favourite 30 minutes of every day is about to come to an end quickly. I also feel bad that no longer will I have the awesome fragrance of mr. conditioner on my hair. I spend about 5 minutes washing the conditioner off as I am scared my family will notice a ” white liquid” on my hair and connect it to something else. To all the perverted whose minds have already running in a different direction when I mention white liquid, what I meant was milk. Not fasturbation. I am scared to use the word masturbation in my first blog so hence have used fasturbation. Perverted souls – please stop acting like one . Anyways, lets come back to the 5 minutes of washing. About 25 minutes done, 8 songs belted, good muscle exercise completed due to my groovy dance steps. There’s a mixture of emotions which keeps going on in my head. The emotions are similar to watching Koffee With karan. I feel sad that I have had an enjoyable time for 25 minutes and woh pacchees minut mere zindagi mey waapas nahi aayenge …like SRK tells in Chak De… but I also feel happy that the next day, I can look forward to a new episode. In between I also get slightly philosophical that nothing in life is permanent, you are born naked and will go to heaven/hell/middle earth naked. However, the self doubting individual that I am, I am not sure if I have washed myself completely. Any traces of white liquid or soap if found out by my family, then I feel its a matter of national shame for me and I should jump into the polluted Bellandur lake in Bengaluru and die of intoxication ( I hope the Govt authorities do not read this and sue me for defaming the lake.. Secretly, I hope they do as I feel it will give me free publicity that a budding writer has voiced his concern and people will Google my book). Anyways, 5 minutes is lost while I rewash myself with water all over and rid myself of all the sins committed in the previous 24 hours. I towel-dry myself for2 minutes. 30 minutes of my life are gone.. The most enjoyable 30 minutes of my day..the most carefree.. the most fun.. the most critical. Complete peace of mind. I come back rejuvenated. 3 buckets of water have been drained. My wife complains that I have been responsible for all the water problems of Jayanagar, Bangalore, Karnataka, India, World , Earth and Solar System and Milky Way because of this…
This ,my friends, is how I spend 30 minutes taking a bath daily . If you havent done this, try this. Its fun . Just live free, Just do it folks..
Thats my first blog for you.. Constructive feedback awaited. Please share it and promote this if you have enjoyed it.
Hari Hara Subramanian
Soon – to – be writer of ” Memoirs of a Sarcastic Fool” ( tentative title of my book)
Every Friday, you will see me writing a blog.. Freaky Friday for you.
Amen. Jai Hind. Hari Om.
P.S Next Friday’s blog title : Laakhon Mein Ek : MS Dhoni , the Horn Effect and learnings for leaders