9 types of bahus – Kyunki Bahu bhi kabhi saas banegi; Masaledaar Mondays – weekly blog

This blog is dedicated all the bahus of this world , who have bitched about their mother-in-laws at least once in their lifetime. Basis my interaction with bahus around me in the ozone layer, I have categorized the bahus as below:

  1. The Devil Wears Prada bahu – she’s  extremely jealous of the way her mother-in-law carries herself in society, the clothes she wears and the perfumes which she buys. Therefore, her only mission in life is to ensure she exhausts her husband’s monthly salary to buy all things designer – clothes, shoes, lingerie,mats, dogs, cats, rats, bats and so on.
  2. The Fake Pati Parmeshwar bahu – she gives a false impression that she treats her husband as Pati Parmeshwar and her mother-in-law as her MAA. All her outward actions seem to be pleasing her husband and her mother-in-law but secretly she’s waiting to poison both of them and usurp their wealth Humraaz style.
  3. The ACP Pradyuman ( CID) bahu – her criminal instincts resemble ACP Pradyuman in CID . Whenever her mother-in-law offers milk to her and her son, her immediate reaction is “ kuch toh gadbad hai”. She will offer the milk to her dog and if the dog doesn’t die, the milk is passed to her husband for drinking.
  4. The Bhai bahu – she secretly goes to the gym and starts toning her body. She doesn’t like people talking against her or her husband. If the mother-in-law does something which she doesn’t like, she immediately ensures all social access is blocked. The mother-in-law can’t act any longer in movies, she can’t be Brand ambassador for any ads, no director will offer her scripts etc. Husbands and Mothers should be wary of such Bahus. Always praise them. If you ever cross them, then you are doomed.
  5. The Himmatwala bahu – she thinks that the way to take the remote control of her husband from her mother-in-law is by taking his son out clubbing, showing off the choicest of dance moves, grooving away to glory and mesmerizing her husband to completely forget about his mom. However, fate ensures that while the bahu shows off her dance moves like J Lo, the husband disappoints by showing off his Jitendra-style Himmatwala moves. Eventually, the status quo is maintained in the Bermuda triangle.
  6. The Aruna Irani bahu – she thinks that emotional blackmail is the best solution to win over her husband from her mother-in-law. She always uses this as the tool to get things done. Her character resembles Aruna Irani’s repetitive role of emotional blackmail in yesteryear Bollywood movies. She initially succeeds till the interval, but in the end, the husband has the final say.
  7. The Sprite Bahu – she’s a Bol Bacchan. She talks big in front of her husband and builds false castles in thin air. She promises that staying separately from parents will transform them into a utopian world where husband and wife are always super happy. Alas ! Ground reality shows both husband and wife fighting every second day and then promising not to fight again. The husband secretly thinks – Ye Sprite ki tarah hai – Bhujaye only pyaas, baaki all bakwaas
  8. The Bhadrakaali bahu – she thinks that she has been blessed by Goddess Durga Maa to kill anybody who comes near her husband, including her mother-in-law. She’s always angry and feels that her mother-in-law is a demon, who plans to devour her husband. She may kill her mother-in-law with the trishul on the coming Vijaya Dasami to put an end to this evil force.
  9. The Politician bahu – this one is the most dangerous bahu of all. You never know what her true affiliations are. She may change party depending on the tidal waves. Sometimes, she will be super pally with her mother-in-law. At other points in time, she will bitch about husband to mother-in-law, sometimes vice versa. Only she knows what she’s actually thinking. And the gap between her stated intentions and actual execution can be equated to the distance between the North Pole and the South Pole.

Amongst all this tamasha, the poor husband ends up becoming the victim. He goes through extreme mental harassment. He has been with his mom for 25+ years and suddenly he finds a new woman in his life trying to take that place. He doesn’t have a choice also, as he can’t afford to piss off the love of his life. His next 25 years of existence depends on his equation with this bahu. Invariably , he ends up making the biggest sacrifice of his life, like Ekalavya and decides to give the remote control of his life to wife, although he secretly hopes that he can control his mom and wife. He thinks he’s the hypotenuse of a right angled isosceles triangle , but in reality he’s a poor football , who can be kicked around at will by anyone and everyone.  He also pities his mother, who is the subject of immense mental torture by the bahu. He thinks spending time in Tihar jail is better than getting sandwiched between two women he loves equally .  He comes home confused with all these thoughts not knowing what to do. He switches on the TV and Star Utsav plays “ Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi” in a soulful tune. He sees a big wide smile of Smriti Irani on screen. He secretly smiles and says to himself – “Apna Time Aayega. Yeh Bahu bhi to kabhi Saas Banegi”. Everything is fair in love and war.

Jai Hind.

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