Kavi Shastri vs Dhanmohan Singh : Wicked Wednesdays – weekly blog

Disclaimer: The below blog is a work of imagination and any reference to any real-world person/organization/entity is purely coincidental. Not to be taken seriously and not meant to hurt anyone’s sentiments.

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Centuries ago, in La-La-Land, two legends, a poet – Kavi Shastri, and a statesman – Dhanmohan Singh, won the hearts of their nation.

Kavi cemented his place in cricket history as one of the great all-rounders of his times. He became a famous cricket poet post his playing days. In his last avatar, he coached the national cricket team. He had taken over this role in difficult times as his predecessor AK-47 had huge differences of opinion with then captain Irate Bohli. Kavi had a huge responsibility on his ferociously broad shoulders which he handled well.

Dhanmohan earned his name by leading economic reforms for his country post liberalization. He was an economist par excellence. Under his stewardship, La-La-Land regained its rightful place as one of the Chamakta Taaras of the world. Dhanmohan was liked by one and all for his financial acumen and was entrusted the responsibility of leading the nation. He led the nation for 10 years. Though he officially was the leader, there were strong rumours that he was just a rubber stamp in the hands of a lady – Ammonia Gandhi.

A journalist by the name Curry Subramanian stalked them all through their life and decided to compare these legends.

Both Kavi and Dhanmohan never used to say “No” to their respective masters – Bohli and Ammonia. They acted like loyal Labradors. They did not pee unless their masters permitted them to. Their loyalty to their masters was so strong that their spouses got jealous and hired private detectives to check for infidelity. Their marriages almost collapsed due to this…

Favorite TV series –“Yes Minister”

Favorite song – “Aey Malik tere bande hum…”

Only 2 rules in life:

  1. Never take a decision without approval from your boss.
  2. When in doubt, follow rule 1.

Favorite rap lyrics – “ Hum dono hai alag alag… hum dono hai juda juda…Oh-ho-ho-ho….Main anadi ..mera boss khiladi”’

Favorite movie dialogue – “Rishtey mey aap humare baap lagte hain… Aap ho shahenshah… aur hum pussycat”

Favorite hobby – puppet shows

Favorite drink – Teagram’s Royal Tag… Its your Life… Make it Large*

*subject to boss’ approval

Kavi and Dhanmohan also featured as a case study in La-La-Land’s best B school – Pee Pee M Meh-meh-dabad. The brainy geeks there analyzed their decision-making styles in great detail and concluded that they followed a very unique approach – MBRC (Management by Remote Control). The students there took pride in masturbating their way out of B school by quoting case studies in every possible corporate discussion. Even if Ammonia G’s dog pooped, then Pee Pee M Meh-meh-dabad would turn this episode into a case study and analyze the process-oriented approach used by Ammonia in cleaning the dog’s poop.

Kavi and Dhanmohan had quite a few differences…

Kavi liked minimal clothing. He always used to hang around in his boxers, even during media interactions. He was a True Rangeela. In each media interaction, the color of his boxers varied. Dhanmohan, on the other hand, was usually wrapped from head to toe and could only afford a single white kurta with a buttoned coat. Rarely have the countrymen seen him in a different attire.

Kavi spoke a lot and his recitals as a cricket poet became the stuff of legend. Once, while reciting poems during the final of a close cricket match, Kavi yelled “Slashed…..slashed hard”. The recital was so brutal that all the folks listening on TV were immediately rushed to the nearest hospital. Tons of blood had oozed out from their ears. Kavi was temporarily banned from reciting. “When you slash,..slash hard” became a legendary corporate success mantra. In Hindi, it translated to “ Kaatna hai kisi ka…toh acche sey kaato. #Cutgaya”.

Dhanmohan rarely spoke. His continued silence at times used to become so unnerving that people thought he had lost his voice. “Speech is silver, silence is gold” was his mantra , unlike Kavi  who believed that “his voice” was mightier than both “the pen and the sword”.

Kavi was allegedly a serial womanizer. Dhanmohan was rumored to have spoken to only one woman, apart from his wife, all his life.

Kavi had the most obvious responses to any question asked. Once, with 5 overs left in a close match, Kavi was asked by the media to predict the outcome. Kavi’s obviously obvious lines “The match is too close to call. All 3 results are possible” made it to the Wall of Shame.

Dhanmohan had a weird and standard response to any question asked. As the leader of the nation, he was once asked his opinion on the nuclear deal. His response – “ Iska uttar sirf Ammonia G hi bata sakte hain. I am not allowed to speak on this” stunned the nation. This inspired Warnab Go-Tommy to start a successful show – “ The Nation Wants to Know”…..

Curry Subramanian felt there was some divine connection between Kavi and Dhanmohan. He stalked them till their grave. At the graveyard, he couldn’t believe his eyes. On both their graves – the following cryptic words were engraved …

“Bohli kya, Ammonia kya…..  Sab Katputli hain.. Bhagwaan key katputli…

Jab Tak hai Jaan… Hum hain desh ki shaan… Katputli hai naam…

Jai Hind”

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