Disclaimer: The below blog is a work of imagination and any reference to any real-world person/organization/entity/place is purely coincidental. Not to be taken seriously and not meant to hurt anyone’s sentiments.
Yesterday, in a historic national election, La-La-Land unanimously voted for Pappu. Excerpts from his interview with a news reporter from The Rhymes of India – Curry Subramanian.
Curry: “Pappu ji, congratulations on a landslide victory. What is your first message to the nation?”
Pappu: “Thank you. The nation has given a clear mandate. I am humbled. I am also grateful to my mother for everything. Without her support , this could not have been possible.”
Curry: “What is your first focus area of work?”
Pappu: “Women empowerment!”
Curry: “Second focus area?”
Pappu: “Women empowerment!!”
Curry: “Sir?? Second focus area??”
Pappu takes out a paper from his pocket, fumbles for a second- “ I am sorry I thought you wanted me to repeat it”. He looks at the paper – “Reducing farmer suicides and improving their quality of life”
Curry: “Very noble thought Pappu ji. What are some of the initiatives which your Government is planning to take in this regard?”
Pappu again looks at his paper.. thinks for a minute. Curry hears him muttering “Yeh toh syllabus key baahar hai!!” .Pappu gathers himself back and says “I am not in a position to divulge confidential details. Finance Minister and Home Minister are working on this.”
Curry: “Why should the home minister work on farmer suicides? Isn’t it the job of Ministry of Rural Development”?
Pappu: “Yes, yes… you are right. I am going to give both these portfolios to the Home Minister.. hence you know….”
Curry: “We saw two separate ministers taking oath for these two departments!! Are there going to be any further changes?”
Pappu : “No no.. the Rural minister just had a collapse, which many of you are not aware. Hence, I meant Home Minister. In fact, as we speak, I am in touch with his team over Whatsapp. Give me a second ..”
Curry overlooks Pappu typing – “Mom, what the hell is happening? This jerk is asking me uncomfortable questions. You never helped me memorize the answers to these…. In the next 10 minutes, either you come here or you fire this guy. Aur haan… Rural Minister ko collapse karwa do.. I have just told that he has collapsed.”
Pappu: “Curry ji, we need to wrap this interview quickly. The Rural Affairs Minister is in ICU and I need to see him immediately. I can take only a couple of questions.”
Curry: “Sure. Pappu ji, who inspires you and why?’
Pappu : “ Mr. Grump – the President of the DSA (Divided States of Hagey-rica). I like his ideas. I also want to build a wall around the nation’s border. The wall will be longer than the Great Wall of Hyena. Because of the wall issue, the Divided States had a Government shutdown. Building a wall here will ensure a full shutdown. Right now, we operate at 50% shutdown as half the days are lost due to strikes/walkouts. If we do a full shutdown, which will happen if I build a wall, then everyone can work peacefully without disturbance”.
Curry: “Pappu ji, your views on the Falafel deal ?”
Pappu:” We have discussed Falafel issues at length. No more Falafel discussion”
Curry:“Pappu ji.. since you had won the election on the Falafel deal issue, what next on this?”
Pappu : “ Correction !!! The Falafel deal was not the only issue with the previous Government. It was a disaster on all fronts. I had a problem with everything. The previous leader was only a good poet, a very good marketer. He was good at filling containers with gas. Gas, Gas and Gas. All his policies were flawed. He tried to take certain bold moves but the bold cannot survive in this nation. Only the beautiful can survive. That’s why the TV series Bold & Beautiful didn’t do well in India !!!
The previous leader screwed the work-life balance of the bureaucrats. He insisted on Powerpoint presentations during Department reviews. He equated bureaucrats to MBAs. MBAs can kill by powerpoint- bureaucrats can’t. Like a Sales Head.. Humesha number ka hi baat karta tha…. He was an inefficient Marketeer, who only gave fancy names to new initiatives with minimum execution and zero results… This nation likes status quo which is what I am going to do in the next 5 years… Maintain status quo… Do nothing !! Also, since the bureaucrats were busy working for last 5 years, I am going to give them a 1 year break. ..one last question please”
Pappu frantically sends another sms – “Mom, I told you I know nothing about the Falafel deal but still this joker keeps probing me. Please ensure he loses his job and gets deported !”
Curry:”Pappu ji, your final words for today”.
Pappu takes out another piece of paper : “ I want to dedicate this poem to the nation. Mom has written for me –
Pappu ki gadi tez hai, Pappu kudiyon mein craze hai.
Pappu ki aankein light blue….Pappu dikhta angrezzz hai
Falafel haathon mein… Perfume Gussey wala…
Per Pappu cant dance saala..
Mitron ….. Khao aur Khaane Do….