The last week has been really hot and spicy for me. Four out of 6 days, I have had my most favorite and most recurring health phenomenon – loose motions. My doctor wife makes a technical correction – it’s not loose motions but in medical parlance, it is indigestion. Indigestion is when your poop is semi-solid/liquid but not a colorless form. Colorless poop is loose motions. Ok Maate !! So, no more use of the word “loose motions” in my life.
Loose motions has its own pros and cons. The biggest benefit is because you keep going to the loo every 15 minutes, you are suddenly showered with a lot of love and affection. People who otherwise has forgotten you ask you sympathetically “Kaisa hai beta? Hope everything is fine”. You suddenly feel cared for. Otherwise, if you are in a house with a newly born kid, the dad or the husband is reduced to a piece of rag cloth. Will be used when needed to wipe shit but otherwise will be put in its rightful place – the corner of the room.
When I didn’t have loose motions, I would go and buy butter milk in the nearby shop, but once down with loose motions, I am given home-made butter milk. What a princely feeling !! Family members gave “electral (ORS)” . I guess Microsoft word also is gripped with election fever. I typed electral here and it immediately converted it to Electoral. Microsoft bhi ban gaya chowkidar!!
I am a temporary house-husband having taken a break to be with my wife. Some of my roles and responsibilities include cleaning the house, washing the dishes, drying clothes etc. You are absolved of all these responsibilities when you have loose motions. Whattey amazing feeling I tell you.
The biggest advantage though, which I cherish every time I get loose motions, is the weight loss. My weight was 76 kgs in October and I had joined the gym to reduce my weight by a few kgs. 6 months of gym made me lose a glorious 0.7 kgs but 4 days of loose motions and I lost a miraculous 7 kgs. There’s no better mantra for weight loss than loose motions.
If you have an Indian toilet at home, then loose motions is a literal pain in the ass. That’s the biggest disadvantage. B2- 403, Shanthi Park Apartments is one of those heritage structures which has one Indian and one western toilet. God knows why this kolaveri. I am not allowed to use the western toilet temporarily as my wife feels I will dirty it and she will have to clean it daily. So, like Warner and Smith, I am banned from entering the Western loo for a year. So, without a sprinkler, I had to use the Indian toilet for 4 days. Luckily, my in-laws stay opposite so I had the luxury of using their Western loo and escape the misery.
The other disadvantage is you can’t get to go out. The only place you will be visiting devotedly is the loo. In the hot summer, being indoors is a boon but I would still prefer going outdoors instead of being hand-cuffed to the sprinkler.
The 4th day, I decided to take charge and head to the gym despite having loose motions. My wife warned against this risk. I did the exercises for about 20 minutes and Newton’s laws of loose motions came into force. Every action has a super-fast reaction. For every 10 minutes of exercise, 20 minutes of loo in slow motion. The gym instructor thought I had gone home for an emergency. When I came back after 20 minutes, he asked “Sir everything ok at home?” I smiled and said “LMAO!”. He said “ Sir, isn’t LMAO laughing my ass off ?” I said “ Naa rey baaba.. LMAO matlab Loose Motions Aareela Oh”. That was it. As soon as I said those words, people around me started becoming Gyaani Baba. I had been warned not to go to the gym during the 11 am slot as it was an “Aunties only” slot.
Aunty no. 1 came to me and said “You have done abs crunches na… Don’t do it.. It causes loose motions . Just do your stretches and go. “ Aunty no .2 added –“ Just have lime juice. Things will be ok” Aunty -3” Have coconut water. That’s best for Loose Motions “. The gym instructor pitched in “Sir, do you know –“ Chaniga pappu “ in Telugu ?”. He googled and showed me “chana dal”. “Have this and it will be sorted”. Before I could react, from the extreme right wing corner, a- la Messi style Aunty no.4 ran and said “ Yeh sab chodo. Just have methi leaves dried”
The killer blow came from Aunty no.5 “They all are confusing you. Just go and have chow-chow bath”. I was cursing myself. Neither have I seen those aunties before and I am definitely not attending the 11 am slot again. What mistake did I do? Did I ask for their advice? Indians have an annoying habit of giving unsolicited advice. Neither do they get paid for this advice, nor do you want it. Kyun..kyun..kyun. I immediately thanked everyone for their tips ( nahi toh Aunties have big egos… kahaan kali nazar laga diya aur ek aur hafta baith gaye sprinkler key saath)? I came home and narrated this incident to my mother-in-law and wife.
My mother-in-law ( Aunty no. 6) continued “ Best is to have butter milk paa “. I wanted to tell her “ Did I ask you Mahishmati? ” But before I could react, my doctor wife saved the day. She said “ Butter milk sey bhi best is curd as butter milk is not solid and curd is solid therefore it kills the Lacticus Bassiluss and Octopus in the stomach”.I was relieved that my dad was not around else I would have got advice no. 8 “Humare zamaane mey hum neem juice piya karte they”
Basis my wife’s advice, I had curds and took Sporolac and my 4 day ordeal finally stopped. I was just relaxing on the bed hoping that I would never remember this episode. I was browsing the TV and ironically, the following song played
“Tu safar mera, hai tu hi meri manzil
Tere bina guzaara, ae dil hai mushkil
Mujhe aazmaati hai teri kami
Meri har kami ko hai tu laajmi
Tu ne diya hai jo.. woh dard hi sahi
Utna mera nahi.. jitna hua tera…
Loose hai mera, banoo mey tere kaabil
Tere bina guzaara, ae dil hai mushkil”