Indian weddings can be annoying for the couples. It all starts when you ask your boss for a chutti. “15 days ki chutti chahiye”? He jumps out of his seat as if you have asked him 15 crores of his money “Maine toh 4 days hi chutti liya tha.. mere wedding key liye”. You feel like telling him “Abey tum ch*tiye ho…. saari duniya tumhari tarah nahi”
If you are a friend of the couple and you tell your boss “Sir, Udaipur jaana hai,, total 6 days ka chutti chahiye..2 days for to and fro travel, 3 days of wedding, 1 day sightseeing”. Pat comes the reply “ Wedding tumhari hai ya tumhare dost ki” Just taking a chutti without informing your boss is so much better in such cases. Once you reach Udaipur, just say “Sir Udaipur ( hometown) mey bua serious hai.5 days lagega” In this case, the boss will say “Bhai, don’t worry. I will take care of things here. If required, you extend your leave”. Context really gives meaning, especially when you need to ask wedding leave.
Some bosses in the sales function will rub mirchi in your ass a mile deep by saying “November mey chutti poochte ho sharam nahi aati. Don’t you know that Q3 contributes 35% of our full year sales?” Yeah right. Because of me not coming to office for 6 days, customers will stop buying my products “Abey Hari ney chutti liya hai yaar . Hum products nahi khareedte hain for a week. Hari chutti sey waapis aajayega toh then we will buy” Because of Hari taking time off for a wedding, company X’s sales have declined by 12%. Can you believe this? For such bosses, the g**nd mirchi continues in any season “Q1 mey sales ki fati hai.. Aur tum 2 hafte ki chutti maang rahe ho” “ Q2 is the time we kick off our revival.” Q4 toh poocho hi mat. “Q4 mey chutti maang rahe ho. Financial year end. Sharam hai?” The management comments section of the company’s balance sheet will read “Due to unfavourable macro-economic conditions which have been created because of Star sales officer on leave for 15 days, the buying behavior has softened. This coupled with rising interest rates, postponement of purchase due to uncertainty surrounding the sales officer’s marital health, has led to a sales decline of 23%”.
After you have overcome this struggle, the circus continues. At the mehndi function, you will have our Ravi Shastri- style fashionista aunties commenting “Arey bahu raani, is lal waali pyjama key saath peeli waali top zyaada achaa lagta” These folks should have been guiding Manish Malhotra or Sabyasachi on their latest collection. Some will go further and ask “Bahut sundar dress hai. Kahaan liya ? Kitney mey liya? Thoda mehanga toh nahi hai” As if tumhare jeb sey paise jaa rahe hain… Kapda liya , mehendi ho gaya, tere baap ko kuch nahi hua na…fir kyun daam poochna hai ?
The tipping point is on the D-Day. If the muhurat is 11:30 am, you will have a few people coming in at 11:25 am, give their blessings and be the first to sit for lunch. They gobble up lunch as if they have not had food in the last 30 days and leave by 1:30 pm. For them, a wedding is a T20 match. Jao, shakal dikhao, khana khao aur dafa ho jao”. They are so busy in their lives that they only spend 2 hours. Rest of their busy time is spent in reading Filmfare at home to look for news about the next film-star wedding news, putting a wedding check-in on FB, taking a few selfies outside and moving on. You will not hear from them otherwise in your day-to-day life.
The stars of the show though are the Family Planners. These elders should have become Family Planning consultants with the Government of India. “God bless the child. May you be quickly showered with a little Hari in 6 months time”. Why the obsession with a baby in this already over-populated country? These family planners think the couple is a coin-vending machine. Or a McDonald’s factory. These Family Planners suddenly are concerned about the next Generation. After 6 months, they will ask your parents “Any good news?” If they had asked me, I would have replied “Yes, the good news is RCB continues to consistently lose every game and we feel good about it. No other good news”. The other sad part is most of these Family Planners want a boy child.
Abey Chu*tiyon. Because of your mistake of prioritizing a boy, a generation of MINSEs ( Male Indian Non Software Engineers – me included) have faced a struggle in finding a girl through the arranged marriage route. Firstly, girls are few in number. In that few, a majority find their love. The balance minority has a huge supply to choose from. An average Indian male, as per my hell curve fitting, spends 3 years to find a girl via arranged marriage. Some people don’t respond to your “ Hi I am single wanting to mingle” respond on bharat matri-money.com. Some who respond block you after a few chats. The ones who are ok till here reject you after a meeting in CCD looking at the way you are clothed and the type of job. If you are not in a job which has on-site opportunities, then you get rejected. If you don’t have an own house, you get eliminated. So, to finally get past this struggle and find a girl takes 3 years. There are the ES (Expectations Surpassed) candidates in the hell curve who punch above their weight and find a girl in 6 months. But, the Family Planners are not aware of these realities. All they care is having a good meal at the wedding, give their expert comments, hope that the couples hump each other daily (and reduce the sales of the buoying condom market) and get a junior Hari.
As I rack my head on how to conclude this blog, the bell rings. I open the door and to my pleasant surprise, it’s one of our relatives – The Family Planner. He asks me- “Hari, any good news?”